Football Crack

A lot of hoopla has been made about Kevin Garnett’s post championship win interview with Michelle Tafoya. This is mainly because it is perhaps the greatest interview to have ever taken place in the history of our universe. Another reason is that a lot of people have been confused by some of things he said during it. Some of it was inaudible while other things just haven’t made much sense to people.

Well, the entire thing was crystal clear to me. Call me enlightened, but I was not confused at any moment during the entire interview or the subsequent playbacks. Maybe it’s because I have a ton of common sense and look at things as simply as possible. Or perhaps it just means I’m an absolute genius. No matter, I’ve felt the burden to break down the interview for everyone who may not understand it.

For best results, watch the different time segments in conjunction with the corresponding translation. Yes, it does require a bit of work. Stop being such a lazy bastard. Cue the video!



0:00 Garnett is seen at the beginning the video, holding his hands on each size of his head. It appears he’s squeezing it. He probably feels a little Outer Limits at this point and doesn’t believe what’s going on is actually going on. I sometimes do this as well, but only when I’ve been drinking.

0:07 Garnett begins his speech with a “I’m so hyped right now.” Easily understandable. The man is very hyped! Pretty much everyone who has won an NBA title could probably relate to this statement. I mean, even I said that back in '92 when I won my class spelling bee..

0:22 Garnett goes on to say “Anything is possible!” He then screams it. What he’s trying to convey here is just as it sounds. Anything is possible, kids. Anything. Some people have expressed confusion over this comment and wondered what he meant, since the Celtics had the best regular season record. What Garnett was likely trying to express was his journey from a high school draftee, to his stay in Timberwolves purgatory, followed by his role in helping the Celtics win an NBA title a year after being the worst team in the league.

0:32 Garnett has been mumbling some stuff under his breath, none of it being too coherent. I think I heard a ‘momma’ somewhere in there, too. What he was likely doing here was quickly expressing some things he didn’t want to say directly into the microphone. Just because your being interviewed doesn’t mean you have to share EVERYTHING with the microphone. Common knowledge.

0:42 Garnett is crying at this point. You don’t need to be a genius to realize that these are tears of joy and also because he hasn’t slept more than a couple of hours this past month. He’s probably really, really looking forward to getting some shuteye. So it’s probably a mixture of those two things.

1:02 This is where all the shout outs start. It doesn’t make too much sense in trying to understand exactly what he’s saying here. He’s giving shout outs to all of his friends and family throughout the country. I know some of my friends have some pretty crazy nicknames that wouldn’t make too much sense if I was trying yell them during a live interview. “Snyder! Scally! Everybody!!!” It’s also interesting to note that Garnett is clutching his hat here as well, almost as if he thinks it might fall off. Again, the entire thing is probably very surreal. It’s not out of the question to think that Garnett may have thought that if his hat fell off, he would wake up and realize this was all just a dream. Yeah, that’s a logical conclusion, let’s go with that.

1:12 Still some shout outs going on here. Then there’s another shout out to his mother, with this one coming through loud and clear as he looks at the camera. That’s the official one. You ALWAYS have to shout out your mom if you ever win anything significant and then get interviewed on live television. Yes, dad’s get the shaft somewhat here, but they care more about the actual title where the mom’s care more about their kid being interviewed on live television. So a clear mom shout out here. Very nice.

1:22 This part is the already infamous “Top of the world” part. Kevin doesn’t elaborate very much on his top of the world screams, but seriously, do you need him to? He’s on the top of the world! That means he’s happy, he’s done what he’s wanted to do most for his entire life. He’s on the top of the world in every sense, probably even in his perception of reality. Garnett looks so intense here he very well could be thinking this interview is actually being conducted atop of our world. It's a Big Ticket world, we just live in it.

1:37 There’s some more references here of not being able to sleep, then a quick shout out to Ray Allen’s play and then a simple “I’m certified!” What does I’m certified mean? Well, first off if you can’t figure that out on your own you may be slightly retarded. I’m certified is Kevin’s way of saying ‘Hey, my career is now legit.’ Think about it. In every sport, you can have an awesome career but if you don’t win a title, it’s always going to hang over your head. Look at Dan Marino. He’s uncertified. A great quarterback and a pretty good pre-game personality who has a tendency to pout like a little girl, but uncertified none the less. Kevin Garnett is now officially certified. Even if he averages two points and one board for the remainder of his career, who cares? He went without sleep for a month and certified himself with an NBA title. Done and done.

1:41 Here Kevin quickly informs Michelle Tafoya that she looks good tonight. The man just certified the interview right here. Not only has he given an honest, emotional interview with the small possibility of actually hallucinating, he throws out a nice little verbal treat for Michelle Tafoya. Michelle needed it, too. Just a couple of hours earlier she had whiffed on her opportunity to bring us factual information on what was going on with Ray Allen’s eye, which was more or less her only job for the entire night. Just as she was explaining that an eye doctor had rushed into the room and it was taking an awfully long time to merely flush out the eye, Ray Allen barged out of his room and began running to the court. Uh, what happened Michelle? Shouldn’t you have been on top of that? So it was nice that Kevin gave her a quick, random compliment. Such a nice guy.

2:10 Garnett closes out the interview explaining that it was a responsibility to win the title in Boston. It was in the interests of carrying on a tradition. A tradition that had been stagnant for twenty plus years, but a tradition none the less. He then asks the camera “What are you gonna say now? What can you go and say now?” What could you say? Seriously? ‘Kevin, you suck!’ Uh, no. That would be false. The man just won an NBA title. ‘Kevin your not clutch!’ Uh, also no. That would be false as well. Kevin’s fantastic Game 7 combined with the fact that he probably had gotten a total of four hours of sleep all month would shoot down that statement in an instant. Sorry pal.

2:22 With the interview over, Garnett kisses some random guy’s head and then turns around to find Bill Russell. They embrace. Could it have ended any better? I submit that it could not.

So there you have it, as plain as day. The entire interview in black and white. I would like to thank Kevin for not only giving such a fantastic interview, but also for being such a badass, passionate athlete for the entire season. It has truly been a pleasure watching you this year.

THIS BLOG IS NOW CERTIFIED!